I Will Not Leave You
by rachel-rage
Summary: Only a week after leaving together, Holly's got a secret.


(This is assuming the timeline of the episode is very short. She sleeps with David for the last time, then the art exhibition and their first kiss happen within a matter of days, and the rest of the episode takes place throughout the week after that. This is about a week after the episode and they've moved out of town)

It doesn't take long for Karen to notice that there's something wrong.

Holly is always reserved, that's true, even around her, but this is different. For a little over a week, Karen's seen her wipe away a stray tear or clench her hands into fists nearly every day. She's been quiet about it; it's clear that she doesn't want Karen to know. But whenever Holly's upset, Karen can almost sense it. She just doesn't feel right when Holly's not okay, and it shows.

So just as Holly's sat down with a cup of tea and a book on Saturday morning, Karen sits across from her, and just waits. When Holly finally looks up, she already has the look of someone who's been defeated. Karen can be… strong-willed, and Holly knows that if she's sitting there, it's for a reason, and she's not likely to go away until she's gotten what she wants.

"What's the matter?" Karen asks quietly.

Holly takes a deep breath and looks up. The scene is so reminiscent of their first kiss that it's excruciating.

"I don't know what you mean, Karen," she says. Karen doesn't even need to see Holly touch her face, then a wisp of her hair, her most obvious tell. Karen loves her so deeply that she just knows she's lying, just by the tone of her voice.

She lifts her eyebrow, and takes Holly's hand, nudging her on.

"I'm… I'm pregnant." The silence is deadly, and Karen just looks at her. "The last time with David… it was right before we went to the exhibition. I don't remember if we...I don't think he was safe. I'm four days late."

A sob chokes out of her then, and she can't stop it. All of a sudden all she feels is sadness; they're finally free, together and happy, and she's ruined it. Because of David, horrible David who never loved her, never appreciated her for one instant the way Karen does. All of a sudden she's absolutely sure that Karen will leave her- what does Karen have to gain from being with a pregnant, older woman?

And then Karen's hands are on her shoulders, and running through her hair, and she's brushing away Holly's tears with her thumbs, so gently like Karen thinks she'll break.

"Why are you crying?" Karen asks. Her voice is muffled; she's holding back tears too.

"I've… I've ruined everything. Why would you want to stay with me? You have so many options, your whole life is open. You don't need me and a baby I never wanted tying you down," Holly whispers back.

And then, for some reason, Karen gets angry.

She wipes away a tear and leans in, taking Holly's face in her hands, so much rougher than she ever has before.

"Look at me. Damn, Holly, look at me!" When Holly finally looks up, with tears shining in her eyes, Karen softens.

"I don't have any other options. You are my only option. I will never, ever leave you, Holly. Are you listening? Remember? You say I can't, I say I can? I will not leave you."

And they cry together, clinging to each other with nothing but hope.

A week later, the doctor confirms it. Holly is four weeks pregnant. He tells them with no small amount of judgment, looking them over like he's just found them sticking to the bottom of his shoe. But Karen takes Holly's hand and squeezes, and smiles at her with a glint of determination in her eyes.

They decide that they won't keep it. Karen doesn't want children, and Holly has never felt any strong maternal need. They sign adoption papers with a lovely young couple from Bristol who can't get pregnant and Holly, for the most part, feels right about it.

Karen holds her as she cries during the one dark, rainy evening when she doesn't.

At twelve weeks in, they're miserable. It turns out that Holly is not the type of woman who spends her pregnancy glowing about the life inside her. She's sick every morning and she's had to buy new, bigger shoes three times, and as is normal for Holly, she's so quiet about it that Karen has to guess when she isn't feeling well.

They're fighting, all the time, and Holly is sure, despite Karen's protestations, that one argument will be one too many and when she wakes up one morning, Karen will be gone. But she never is, and somehow, they get through it. It gets easier.

One day, while Holly is at work, Karen ditches school takes the train back to Margate. She snuck a look at Holly's phone while she was in the loo and makes her way on foot to David's house with every intent to kick him sharply in the bollocks. But when she gets there and sees him through the window, eating a microwave meal with the glow of the telly on his face, she turns around and goes home. He doesn't need insult to injury, he decides. Karen's already won, anyway.

By fifteen weeks, Holly has stopped feeling sick all the time. But she's growing, and every day that goes by, she feels more and more disgusted with her body, especially when Karen slinks out of the shower, the perfect image of youth and beauty.

But Karen doesn't see what she does; the growing roundness of her stomach or how her trousers are always tight. Karen loves her with the same fervor as ever, and when they make love her touches are reverent and moans pleading, just as they were the first and every time.

At seventeen weeks, Holly feels the baby kick for the first time. She's making dinner, and standing by the oven when she feels a bit of a pain in her stomach, a sharp little jab right under her ribs. It's shock more than pain that causes the air to rush from her body and her to make a bit of an alarmed noise. Karen, however, always monitoring her health for her at this stage, rushes in like the flat's on fire, demanding to know what's wrong.

"I… I felt it. A kick, I think," Holly says. Supper is forgotten as she beckons Karen over to lay a hand on her stomach.

They both feel it this time, Holly's hand on top of Karen's, and they look at each other in wonder.

From then on, time passes quickly. Holly continues to grow, and she feels new pains every day, but time seems to speed up, until she's eight months and three weeks pregnant and every day she wakes up thinking she can't take it anymore.

And finally, one morning, her body seems to agree. She wakes up to searing pain all throughout her stomach, and grabs at Karen, somehow unable to speak. Karen understands immediately, and capitalizing on the most responsible thing she's ever done, grabs the bag she's already packed and shuffles Holly out the door.

The labor is a terrible process. Somehow they've arrived too late for any medication and Holly is in terrible, constant pain. Karen tries to be sensible while keeping the tears from her eyes, and fails terribly.

When it's over, they're both exhausted. Holly asks not to see the baby. She just asks that they give the new parents a message of love and hope. She feels empty, and knowing that it's over gives her no comfort.

Although Karen and Holly both know it's the right choice, they both feel a sense of loss that is nonsensical and perfectly logical all at the same time. Karen climbs into the hospital bed and runs her fingertips over Holly's wrists and elbows and lips.

I love you, the touches say, gentle and loving.

Holly looks up at her, still red about the face from the exertion. Her eyes widen and she asks, "Still?"

Karen grips her hand and holds tight. "Always."


End file.
